No time for blogging

I have had a busy day today.  I went to my mom's house this morning and helped her on her computer for a while.  She wanted to learn how to put pictures on facebook and a few other things.  We had a good time doing it.  Then I went on my dad's computer and did some stuff on his facebook.  He wanted his friends to see his old picture of when he was young along side a picture of him now so that his friends from high school would know who he was and his friends from now would also know who he was.  I couldn't get it to work on his computer because he doesn't have any software on his computer that does it.  So I waited till I got home and did it on my computer.

Went and got Desi and Lilly and took them with me grocery shopping.  I made a huge discovery.  Never let your five year old granddaughter help you while you shop.  I got to the cash register and had all kinds of food in there I didn't want.  She was so proud of how she helped Nana!

We came home and I put all the food away and put on a movie for them.  It's bed time now and I realized I didn't get to write on my blog.  I really have nothing prepared so I'm not going to worry about it tonight.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Be blessed,

Sue

Words

It's so easy to say things that hurt others.  I find this especially true on the Internet.  Somebody writes something ... a thought, a comment, a concern, etc., and other people respond.  I personally think a healthy debate is good for the soul.  But it crushes my heart when someone comments back with comments filled with hate, anger, unkind words, etc.  It happened today.

I woke up this morning praising my Lord and my heart was glad.  I faced my day full of love, joy and excitement.  I reflected back on last night's message at my Living Free group.  (It was excellent, by the way!)  He talked about how we can relapse into our old addictions if we aren't careful of the traps from the enemy.  The devil is always looking for ways to trip us, to get us to go back to that place we were before we began our recovery.  The message was good...I took notes.  Unfortunately those notes are at  home, and I am not.

Today someone posted their thoughts about a very controversial issue happening in my state.  There was some really great discussions going on, all of it polite and respectful.  We didn't agree on everything, but we understood where we were coming from.  It wasn't something that I had planned on debating too much, mainly because it was originally my friend's post and I don't think it is very nice to argue on someone else's page.  I also didn't want to debate it too much because the issue is not one of money, or religion, or choice of job, but it was one of race, culture, nationality. 

I am Caucasian.  I have no idea as to how a person of color feels when they are discriminated against.  I can't even imagine the hurt that someone feels because some callus person disrespected them based on the color of their skin.  Yesterday one of my dear friends commented that it wasn't a good day for her to be brown.  People can be so hateful.

So anyway, back to the issue.  We were posting our comments and thoughts and it was all respectful and tasteful by those who posted.  I stated that I didn't believe it was God's will for His children to fight over these type of issues.  I believe He would want us to pray, pray, and pray some more for resolution that would be fair and just to all.  I believe it is the devil that would want God's children to fight and he takes great strides to stir things up just to stand back and watch us make fools of our selves with hateful words.

So I prayed before I posted.  I heard what others said and I respect their comments.  We don't have to agree.  God gives us each our own minds and our own feelings.  I believe that by praying and seeking God, He'll show me what I should do and He will eventually answer my prayer.

As I said, I thought it all went well and ended nicely.  Until...somebody took my words and threw them back at me and made some negative remarks about me and who I align myself with.  I don't know this person.  I've never met this person!  He doesn't know me from Adam but he felt it was OK to say hateful words and it wasn't even his page! 

So I felt myself relapsing into depression.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.  I was about to let some stranger I didn't even know cause me to walk right into the hole the devil had waiting for me.  My happy, chipper mood was gone.

Praise God, because His righteous anger welled up inside me and I realized,  it's not that man I should be angry at!  It is the devil himself!  So I released my anger by handing it over to the Lord.  I prayed for this person and asked God to bless him mightily.  I also prayed for my friend because I know she never intended for hateful words to be posted on her original comment.

I did not relapse and it is only because of God and the victory He gives me for each day.  I am so glad I went to my group last night.  I was so tired but I wanted to be obedient to my Father.  I learned some important steps on how to avoid relapsing.  God, your timing is perfect!  (Duh!)  Thank you Father for your great love!

Colossians 3:12-14
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Be blessed,

Sue

Whose Money Is It Anway?

Why is it when I'm broke everybody has something on sale that I need?  There is this great vacuum I want to buy.  It is called a Meile and from what I've read about it, it is pretty great.  But it costs $600.  However, it is supposed to guaranteed for 20 years.  I want that vacuum! 

Two of the tires on our Honda were getting threadbare and it was becoming a safety issue.  So dear hubby took the car in to get new ones.  We had to get all four tires replaced because it could ruin the transmission if we didn't.  My son-in-law is a mechanic and he confirmed this as true.  It will cost $400.  I'm not a rich person and quite frankly, I don't have $400 extra dollars right now.

Fortunately, Discount Tire let us finance them, 6 months no interest.  So I'll be spending an extra $50 a month to pay it off.  I'm not complaining.  I've got four great tires on my Honda and they should last a while.  But I sure could have used that $400 for other things...like a vacuum.

So today, the vacuum repair guy called.  He is fixing my fairly new Bissell, or as he calls it, the throw-away vacuum (because they aren't made to last), and wanted to let us know that he is having a Christmas special.  He will sell us the Miele at 15% off.  That would bring the vacuum down to just over $500.  Oh, and I could get an additional $50 off because they have a "cash for clunkers" on the old vacuum  And, we also can finance the vacuum for six months, no interest. 

I want that vacuum!  I need that vacuum!  I'm not buying that vacuum...

At least not now. 

I have been working so hard on trying to get us out of debt and it seems like every time I think I see some light, something else happens.  The tires, the vacuum, my teeth (I won't even go there), etc.

Sometimes I think, maybe I'll hold off tithing this payday and then catch back up later.  But I know how wrong (and how dangerous) that kind of thinking is.  I mean, whose money is it anyway?  It really isn't mine!  It belongs to my Father and I am to trust Him in ALL things.  I mean, this guy owns the cattle on a thousand hills!  If He can take care of the lilies of the field, I'm sure He can take care of me!

The only time my Father asks me to test Him is in the manner of my finances.  (Mal. 3:10) Why does He ask us to test Him?  I think because He knows how much we love money.  And the love of money is the root of all evil. (I Tim. 6:10)

So the vacuum is going to have to wait.  I mean, if it's that good, it will be just as good six months from now or even a year from now.  Meanwhile I'll pay the $60 to have the "throw-away" vacuum repaired and I'll tithe my check and trust my Dad to take care of me.  I am the apple of his eye, after all! (Psalm 17:8)

Deuteronomy 15:10
Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.

Be blessed,

Sue

August

I dread August.  Sometimes I wish we could just skip August all together.  Especially August 6th.

I'll never forget that day, August 6, 1994.  I was at a Ladies Breakfast with the women in my church when the waitress told me I had a phone call.  As I was walking out of the room we were eating in I saw my mom running up to me.  I will never, ever, forget the look of horror she had on her face.  I knew instinctively that whatever she was about to tell me, I didn't want to hear.

"Christy's dead", she said.   Surely I didn't hear that right.  "What?", I asked.  She repeated, "Christy's dead.  She drowned."  And then I screamed.  In that instant our lives were changed forever.

Christy was my granddaughter.  She was born on March 11, 1992.  Her mommy was only 16 years old when she was born and still a child herself.  Now my young, 18 year old daughter was going to have to do something even I could not do, she had to bury her child.

I've grown a lot since that day.  I've welcomed many more grandchildren into the world and have had the great privilege of being there as most of them were born.  In that time I've had to say goodbye to the most wonderful grandfather in the world and I've watched my children grow up and start families of their own.  But not a day goes by that I don't miss Christy and wonder what could have been.

Most of the time when I think about Christy I think about the little two year old who was always wearing my shoes or reciting "No More Monkeys Sitting On the Bed!" or sharing a sandwich with Papa or a multitude of other, wonderful memories.  But come the end of July I go back to that day at the restaurant and then to the ER and that little room they took us to.  I remember the chaplain coming in and my daughter telling him to leave.  And then I remember going back to the bed where Christy laid.  And watching my daughter as she held her for the last time.  And I wish I could shake those memories from my mind.  I wish I could erase that day from the calendar.  But I can't.

Life goes on, children are born, older relatives pass on, marriages take place, some end in divorce, some work difficulties out and go on.  There are times of laughter, times of sadness.  But life most definitely goes on.

Still...I hate August. 

But God, in His most awesome grace, reminds me that good things happen in August as well.  My nephew will turn 26 in August.  And my newest granddaughter will be born in August.  In our sorrow, God brings us joy.  He helps us through the darkest hours.  Joy does come in the morning!

Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Be blessed,
 
Sue

Writing

I think I've wanted to write ever since I was a young girl.  I used to write poems and short stories all through high school and into my adult life.  I had green journals that I wrote in that were very precious to me. 

One day, in a fit of anger, my then husband threw them out.  I didn't know about it until it was too late.  The trash man had already taken them away.  I was devastated.  Years of my heartfelt feelings were gone forever.  There was nothing I could do.  It hurt so bad that I just stopped writing.  Years (and year) went by.  I divorced, remarried and divorced again.  I had so much hurt inside.

When I was 41 I joined an online site called GeoCities.  It was  place to write about yourself and your family.  I don't thing the word "blog" was a word back then.  I began to write about my life from my childhood on through the rocky marriages and the pain I went through as well as some of the abuse my children suffered as a result of my poor choices.

Writing that story was healing for me in a lot of ways.  I was able to forgive a lot of past hurts and offenses as well as come to grips with my own mistakes and seek God's forgiveness in them.  It's an amazing story of God's loving mercy and grace.  It's been on the Internet for 13 years, but it is not finished.  I have a feeling God wants me to get back to work on it  It's going to take discipline and a lot of editing.  So if anyone is reading this, pray for me.  It will mean facing some old hurts again.

Speaking of writing, we had two book signings for two gals at our church this weekend.  One was written by a wonderful friend Kathleen Kurlin called "Her Father's Eye" and the other was by "Never Forsaken" by KJ Wereb.  I was thrilled to by a signed book from both of them.

I sat down this afternoon and opened "Her Father's Eyes" and didn't put it down till I was finished.  It was a great book and I just loved it.  I rate it up there with "The Shack" in fact!  I wept, I laughed, I wept some more.  Kathy has had a wonderful glimpse into heaven and it all the more real.  The book also teaches us the importance of loving oneself.  I read it in one sitting and was sad to end it.  But very happy with the ending she gave it. I give it 5 stars!

Tomorrow  I will  read the next book.  It looks promising as well.  It is a little bigger so might take me longer.

Sometime this week I hope to work on the old one.  We will see.

Ne scripture verse today.  I need to go to bed.

Be blessed,''

Sue

God's Grace Is Enough For Me

I hate waking up in pain.  Especially when I'm in the middle of a great dream!  But since I get to sleep in on Saturday I usually wake up from the pain before I'm ready.

Three years ago next month I fell and injured my back.  The xrays and CT scan said I have a bulging disc and a herniated disc  (L4-L5, L5-S1).  I've been through all kinds of treatments and medications during this time.  The one that seemed to help the most was the decompression therapy.  I felt 70% better.  But, it takes up a lot of time.  I had to go four nights a week and each session was almost two hours.  I did this for about four or five months with the amount of times per week decreasing until it was only once a week.  It's been well over a year since I've been there and I probably could use some more therapy.

Unfortunately other parts of me now hurt and I am not sure that I want to put the rest of me through anything that might make me hurt worse.  Over the past year or so my body has really begun to ache.  At first, it wasn't too bad and a couple of Tylenol would help with the pain.  But it has gotten worse.  My legs, my ankles, my feet, my finger, my neck and shoulder, my arms and wrists all ache.  Cold weather and air conditioning only make it hurt worse. 

My doctor sent out for lab work to see if I had rheumatoid arthritis.  The test results came back negative which is good, but just leaves me with more questions.  So he is sending me to a rheumatologist.  I see her in August and hope she will be able to help.  I hope she can do something.  I'd love to have a good night's sleep and be able to wake up without pain!

I think of Paul and often wonder what type of affliction he had.  Whatever it was, he asked the Lord to take it away three times but God, for what ever reason, chose not to.  Paul was learning to not let his circumstances get in the way of his relationship with Jesus and to be satisfied with God's grace. 

Paul knew what pain was.  He'd been beaten, starved, left out in the cold, almost drowned, slept on hard prison floors, etc., yet he continued to serve God and be an example to others in order that they may know Christ.  He taught them what it was like to be a true disciple of Christ and he continues to teach us still to this day.

I want God to heal me.  I want to be able to wake up in the morning without pain.  But if, for whatever reason, God doesn't heal me, then I want to be able to say that I can still face each day because God's grace is enough for me.  I'm not there yet, but I am faithfully waiting on God to get me there.  I am a work in process.  The Master's hand is upon me and He will bring me through this.

2Cor. 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Be blessed,

Sue

That first step ain't easy!

OK, I took that first step and wrote the first entry for my blog.  I have to admit, I was pretty excited about it.  But then I realized the type of commitment I was making to myself.  My goal is to try and blog every day.  I'm a little nervous because I've written posts on Myspace and Facebook where I've stated that I wanted to write more often.  But then life happens and I put it aside and forget about it.  

So what makes this different from those pages?  Honestly, I have no idea!  What I do know is that I have a whole lot of "stuff" inside of me, and trying to verbally express it only causes it to come out wrong.  I love to write.  It is like praying on paper (or the keyboard).  I know God knows my heart, but somehow, when I write, I feel like I reveal a little of my heart to myself.  Sometimes I think I hide my true feelings from me!

Last night I was at Celebrate Recovery.  It had started to rain right as we pulled in to the parking lot.  The air felt heavy and the rain felt wonderful.  I don't know why, but the worship just felt the same way.  Like god was pouring His Spirit down like rain.  I found myself weeping and thinking "Oh God, if I could feel this way all the time!"   It was as if I was drenched in His love.

One of the leaders got up and talked about forgiveness.   Most of what she said I had heard before, but she just presented it a way that really made sense and seemed so simple.  (Not easy, but simple.)  There was a wooden cross at the foot of the stage with a couple of hammers and boxes of nails at the base.  There was index cards and pens on each table.  The leader told us to write down some things we were angry about and having a difficult time forgiving.  Then she told us to fold the card in half and take the hammer and nail and hammer it on the cross.  No one would ever read the note...it would just be between God and each one of us alone.

Well, I started to write a few things, and as I was thinking about who I was angry at or unforgiving toward, the names or situations just started filling my head.   I didn't realize I was so angry about so much!  I just kept writing everything that came to my mind.

When I was finished, I folded that paper and went to the cross.  There were already people in line ahead of me so I waited my turn.  When I took that hammer and nail and hammered it to the cross I felt incredible!  It was as if a heavy load was lifted.  The line behind me was long  and I went back to my chair and watched others do the same thing.  For a long time all you could hear was the pounding of the hammers as each one of us gave our anger and unforgiveness over to the Lord.  It was amazing!  It was liberating!  I could sit in that moment forever! 

Yesterday was a day of first steps for me.  I took my first step at serious blogging and I took my first step at really forgiving others who have hurt me deeply.  Letting go of that pain isn't easy.  I've been living in anger for so long that it has become a part of me.  Letting it go is like letting go of a part of myself.  But really, it never was a part of who I am. 

Who am I really?  I am a daughter of the King.  I was adopted into His family the day I asked for His forgiveness and asked Christ into my heart to rule and reign over me.  It is not I, but Christ who lives in me.  So, I'm taking that first step toward letting go of the angry person.  I know it won't be easy, but I know I can do it.  Today I am reminded of God's promise in  Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

~I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

Be blessed,

Sue

Step One

OK, for years people have been telling me I should start blogging...I mean, I love to write, so why not? I think part of my problem is, just getting started. You know, taking that first step. What's stopping me? Why do I put it off "for another day" all the time? What am I afraid of?

Am I afraid I might find out more about "who I am" than I really want to know? Or am I afraid I won't be good enough as a writer? Maybe I'm just afraid that what ever I write won't be "interesting enough" for anyone else to read. Or...maybe I am afraid that putting my thoughts into writing might just reveal a little more of my heart than I really want to see!

Of course all those could be wrong and the real reason I've put it off is because I am just a procrastinator! Hey, it could be true!!!

ANYWAY, last night I talked with a wonderful gal in my small group who is also a writer and has had a book published (a dream of mine since I was a teenager). She talked to me about making herself write every day. She treats it like it is a job. It made sense to me. So, I am going to give it a try (again) and start writing.

So here it is...step one! My first blog on my very own blog spot (or whater you call it). I am truly inexperienced here and haven't got the slightest idea as to what I am doing! But I am sure in good time I will learn. And I'm always willing to take advice and constructive critiscism. Just be nice. :-)

As far as what my blogs will be about...I have no idea! I am just going to write about my life and what I think God is doing in it. My goal is to learn a little more about me, learn a lot more about God and grow closer to Him as a result. Maybe He and I will be the only ones who ever read this and that's ok. Because this is really a place to practice my writing skills so that I can do what I really want to do, and that is to write (and have published ) a book. A couple of books actually.

I want to write a fictional Christian romance novel. I actually have the story already written in my head, but I have had a hard time actually typing it out and getting it in book format. I need to dicipline myself more and just make myself do it.

I also want to take my journal which I've been writing in for years and write a devotional. My journal is very special to me. I write about different scriptures I read and what I feel God is showing me in those scriptures. I think some of my favorite times with my Father is when I write in my journal. The closeness I feel with Him is beyond anything I could ever explain. I can go back and reread what I've written and sometimes I am just amazed at what God was saying to me at that time. I truly believe God has been telling me He wants me to write this devotional and I really want to do it. I just need to take that first step!

I am going to do this, but I freely admit I am afraid. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone by putting my thoughts, feelings and ideas on the internet. But God in His amazing love and kindness reminded me of Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (NIV)
Have a blessed day!
Sue