OK, I took that first step and wrote the first entry for my blog. I have to admit, I was pretty excited about it. But then I realized the type of commitment I was making to myself. My goal is to try and blog every day. I'm a little nervous because I've written posts on Myspace and Facebook where I've stated that I wanted to write more often. But then life happens and I put it aside and forget about it.
So what makes this different from those pages? Honestly, I have no idea! What I do know is that I have a whole lot of "stuff" inside of me, and trying to verbally express it only causes it to come out wrong. I love to write. It is like praying on paper (or the keyboard). I know God knows my heart, but somehow, when I write, I feel like I reveal a little of my heart to myself. Sometimes I think I hide my true feelings from me!
Last night I was at Celebrate Recovery. It had started to rain right as we pulled in to the parking lot. The air felt heavy and the rain felt wonderful. I don't know why, but the worship just felt the same way. Like god was pouring His Spirit down like rain. I found myself weeping and thinking "Oh God, if I could feel this way all the time!" It was as if I was drenched in His love.
One of the leaders got up and talked about forgiveness. Most of what she said I had heard before, but she just presented it a way that really made sense and seemed so simple. (Not easy, but simple.) There was a wooden cross at the foot of the stage with a couple of hammers and boxes of nails at the base. There was index cards and pens on each table. The leader told us to write down some things we were angry about and having a difficult time forgiving. Then she told us to fold the card in half and take the hammer and nail and hammer it on the cross. No one would ever read the note...it would just be between God and each one of us alone.
Well, I started to write a few things, and as I was thinking about who I was angry at or unforgiving toward, the names or situations just started filling my head. I didn't realize I was so angry about so much! I just kept writing everything that came to my mind.
When I was finished, I folded that paper and went to the cross. There were already people in line ahead of me so I waited my turn. When I took that hammer and nail and hammered it to the cross I felt incredible! It was as if a heavy load was lifted. The line behind me was long and I went back to my chair and watched others do the same thing. For a long time all you could hear was the pounding of the hammers as each one of us gave our anger and unforgiveness over to the Lord. It was amazing! It was liberating! I could sit in that moment forever!
Yesterday was a day of first steps for me. I took my first step at serious blogging and I took my first step at really forgiving others who have hurt me deeply. Letting go of that pain isn't easy. I've been living in anger for so long that it has become a part of me. Letting it go is like letting go of a part of myself. But really, it never was a part of who I am.
Who am I really? I am a daughter of the King. I was adopted into His family the day I asked for His forgiveness and asked Christ into my heart to rule and reign over me. It is not I, but Christ who lives in me. So, I'm taking that first step toward letting go of the angry person. I know it won't be easy, but I know I can do it. Today I am reminded of God's promise in Philippians 4:13 (NIV)
~I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
Be blessed,
Sue
AMEN! Sister!
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