Warning...rant ahead!

I find myself having a grand ol' pity party today.  I'd invite everybody, but really, you don't want to come.  I wouldn't be pleasant company anyway.

I've been really discouraged the past few days (weeks).  I've been spending time reading other blogs written by Mommy's and car pool queens, yada yada yada.  They all talk about their "Mr Wonderful" that they are married to.  He's that guy who can do "just about anything" and they "thank God for giving me a man like him" etc., etc., etc.  Depressing!!!  (Pity party pathetic!)

I remember when I used to sing praised about my prince.  I felt like I was the luckiest woman alive to be married to my man.  That was before he got so sick.  Now I measure time differently.  Everything is either before renal failure or after renal failure. 

Before renal failure Jack was the most reliable person I knew.  If he said something was true, you could stake your life on it being true.  If something needed to get done, he'd do it.  (Maybe not right away, but  he would do it.)  If I needed to remember an important date all I had to do was tell Jack and he'd remember for me.  He was better than a calendar.

Then he got sick.  He had pneumonia and didn't want to go to the doctor.  He quit drinking fluids.  He got worse and still refused to go to the ER or see a doctor.  When he finally got so bad that he couldn't argue with me, I called 911 and had him taken to the hospital.  I should have done it sooner.  He hadn't drank anything in a couple of days and his already diseased kidney was now in renal failure.  For ten years he'd been fighting kidney disease and taking the best possible care of his kidneys so he would not have to get dialysis.  But none of that mattered anymore.  Three days of sickness and no fluids shot ten years of being very careful.  Actually, when I think about it, we could have been here a lot sooner, had he not been so careful.

So once Jack was better, the kidney doctor set him up to get the shunt in his arm for dialysis.  We also went to the Mayo Clinic and he went through a battery of tests to see if he was a good candidate for a kidney transplant.  He was.  He decided to try for a living donor with one of his siblings or children.  Meanwhile, he began dialysis.  That was two years ago this month.

As of today, we are still waiting for a kidney.  Jack's siblings and children are not candidates due to them having the diabetic gene or bad kidneys themselves. 

It wouldn't be so hard waiting for this kidney if Jack wasn't having other problems directly caused from the dialysis.  According to his psychiatrist, he has cognizant memory loss due to dialysis and is delusional.  It's almost as if he has dementia or Alzheimer's.  The one difference, with a new kidney and no more dialysis, his memory "might" get better. 

I say "might" because the doctor told Jack he has to also exercise his brain daily.  He suggested crossword puzzles, brain games (which is why I spent $200 on a Wii and Brain Academy), reading, etc.  But Jack does none of these things.  He forgets to do them.  He forgets how to turn the Wii on.  He gets confused with the puzzles.  He gets frustrated because he can't concentrate on the books and it takes him hours to read a few pages. 

So he sits on the couch and stares at the TV (with the mute on), and he disappears a little bit more each day.  And there is nothing I can say or do to fix it.  I beg, I plead, I cry, I yell.  But he doesn't understand.  In his mind he hears things that no one says.  He thinks things that aren't true.  He sees things differently than they really are.

I miss my Jack.  There are days (like today) when I miss him so much that I just want to cry.  So I pray.  I pray for a kidney.  I pray for his brain.  I remind myself and him that he has the mind of Christ.  But it is frustrating because there is no counseling, no medicine, no book to fix this.  He just needs a kidney.

I tell God often that I didn't sign up for this.  I am sure I stood in the line for the house with the white picket fence and flower garden.  I wanted the husband who took care of me, kept me safe, paid the bills, etc.  Not the other way around.  And what does God tell me?

"My child, my grace is enough for you.  I will not bring you to anything that I will not help you get through."

It's really hard to have a pity party when God talks to you like that! 

Oh Daddy, hold my hand as Jack and I walk through this rough time in our lives.  Let Jack know You are always with him, even when his mind is not working right.  And Dad, please send that kidney, soon.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Be blessed,

Sue